By Dale
Carnegie
About building
your connection
In this article, I will present the main five lessons from “How to Win Friends and Influence People”,
written by Dale Carnegie.
How to win friends and Influence people is about socializing
yourself among people & influence them developing a few traits. The overall
main points that Dale Carnegie makes regarding how to approach people present
yourself & attain their attention towards you. There are a bunch of
practical lessons that can help you wake up from your slumber, and make you
reach your full potential.
Let's see how.
Lesson one:
You can't win an argument. Dale has been involved in and
observed thousands of arguments. He concluded that to get the best of an argument, avoid it altogether. Nine times out
of 10, an argument ends with each person being more convinced that they're
right. Even if you win an argument, you lose. Why?
Well, because
you've made the other person feels inferior and hurt their sense of pride. Ask
yourself; is it worth your time and energy trying to win an argument when it
will give you nothing but a temporary sense of victory in exchange for making
the other person feel like crap?
Lesson
Two:
Never tell a man he is wrong.
Wayne is a woodchopper. Carl is a builder. Wayne specializes in oak wood and
Carl in pine wood. One day, Carl ordered some oak wood from Wayne. Upon
inspecting the oak wood, Carl was frustrated with its poor quality and wasn't
willing to pay for it. But Wayne noticed his quality inspection was too strict
and was misinterpreting how to assess the quality of oak wood. He knew Carl was
wrong. Now, most people would be tempted to say, Carl, mate, you're bloody
wrong. But not Wayne.
Instead, he began asking questions as to why the oak wood was
not of high quality. He emphasized that he was only asking so that he could
give Carl exactly what he wanted for future orders. He approached the situation
in a friendly and cooperative manner.
Eventually, Carl's attitude changed. He soon admitted he was not experienced
with oak wood and began asking Wayne questions. He finally understood that it
was his fault for making poor judgments
about the quality of the wood. Carl ended up happily paying for the wood. Now
that's the power of never telling someone they're wrong. Feel free to try this out in your own life. I'm confident you will
notice that people respond much more positively to you when you don't tell them
they're wrong.
Lesson
Three:
Ask questions instead of giving orders. It makes people want to cooperate with you. If
you want your roommate to help you do the dishes, you will likely get a more
positive response if you say: “Hey Clarence, could you please give me a hand
with the dishes?” Instead of: “Hey Clarence, do the dishes with me now?”
Framing your request as a question rather than a demand makes Clarence feel
like he has a choice and therefore will be more responsive to your requests.
Lesson
Four:
Remember names. Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in history
understood the importance of names. As a child, he had a nest of pet rabbits
but no food to feed them. He told the boys in the neighborhood that if they
would go out and get enough dandelions to feed the rabbits, he would name the
bunnies in their honor. The plan worked. He used the same principle in
business. Men named Pullman and himself were fighting against each other trying
to get the sleeping car business to work.
During a meeting one evening, Andrew suggested that they
merge companies and work together. Pullman listened intently and then asked, “What
would you call the new company?” Andrew responded: “why?” The Pullman Palace
Car Company? Of course. Pullman's face brightened and he said: “come into my
room, let's talk it over”. When I first met Amy, she told me her name but I
didn't hear her properly. I asked her to say it again. And even a third time
during class. The longer you leave it, the more awkward it becomes. You might
feel embarrassed about asking more than once but realize that people appreciate
it when you take the time to learn their name. I remember randomly talking to a
man in my class named Tom. Next week I came in and I said: “Hey Tom, how are
you doing?” And he said: “wow, I'm surprised you remembered my name”.
And
now for the final lesson:
Talk in terms of others' interests. If there was just one lesson you could take away from this
book this would be it: I struggle to talk to new people. It doesn't matter if
we have nothing in common because I talk about their interest. In one of my
first conversations with Amy, I asked her a simple question: “what do you like
to do in your spare time?” She said: “I listen to music, randomly sing and
dance, draw, do artsy stuff, try to keep fit, watch movies and funny TV shows,
I read I cook, I play with my pets and spend time with my family and friends”.
I followed her up with another simple question.
Okay, “so what do you read and what do you draw?” Amy got
excited. After a long outburst of sharing her interests, she said: “I'm getting
way too excited talking about this”. No one ever gets to know me this way so I
have this all bottled up. It's so awesome talking about my passions so thanks
for listening to me. We get along so well now and have been great friends
since. It doesn't matter whether you're talking to your boss, workmates,
teachers, friends, family, or strangers. Talk in terms of other people's
interests and they'll love you for it.
Okay, now let's summarize
what we've learned today.
You can’t win an argument.
Never tell a man he is wrong.
Ask questions instead of giving orders.
Remember names.
And most importantly, talk in terms of other's
interests.
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